WEEK 1: DARK KNIGHT EDITION

1. NEW YORK GIANTS: Loss of Osi Umenyiora casts early dark cloud over kings of Gotham.

2. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: On paper they look as rich as Bruce Wayne Industries; on field they could prove as poor as Robin's lunch money.

3. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Hope Bill Belichick left his spy gear in the Batcave.

4. DALLAS COWBOYS: We get nervous when Tony Romo smiles more than the Riddler.

5. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: For Halloween, we imagine young Peyton Manning chose Superman costumes over Batman outfits.

6. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Catwoman says this is her favorite team now that Derrick Harvey has signed.

7. CLEVELAND BROWNS: Team was 10-6 last season but missed the playoffs. This year's theme? "Wait'll they get a load of me."

8. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: The "Michael Keaton Batman" of NFC West teams.

9. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Greatest Kim Basinger line of dialog ever: "I Love purple!"

10. PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Here's hoping the team in the same town as the Penguins doesn't go ice cold.

11. CINCINNATI BENGALS: Chad Johnson's dream end zone celebration involves climbing a goalpost with a Batrope and Batarang.

12. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Thinking Jeremy Shockey can save your offense is like thinking Batgirl can save the whales.

13. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Jon Gruden has the facial expressions to make a great Batman villain: "The QB Collector."

14. ST. LOUIS RAMS: The "Val Kilmer Batman" of NFC West teams.

15. HOUSTON TEXANS: The "Robin" of NFL franchises: nobody complains when it's not around, and some get angry when it shows up.

16. WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Imagine Dan Snyder creating a high-tech uniform so he can crash the game action in disguise.

17. ARIZONA CARDINALS: The "Adam West Batman" of NFC West teams.

18. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Mr. Freeze has been a Lambeau Field season ticket holder since the Ice Bowl.

19. BUFFALO BILLS: Starting this season, Buffalo's secret identity is Toronto.

20. CAROLINA PANTHERS: All photos of Steve Smith this month should include graphics for "POW!", "BAM!" and "ZAP!"

21. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Poison Ivy looks pretty in green; Eagles will look ugly no matter what unis they wear.

22. CHICAGO BEARS: Team's QB controversy is comicbook cover blurb writer's dream: "Lo, there shall be — A GROSSMAN!"

23. NEW YORK JETS: Settle down all you Packer Backers who consider Favre a Two-Face.

24. TENNESSEE TITANS: Would be nice if they could find receivers who were faster than Alfred the Butler.

25. DENVER BRONCOS: Just like Prince's "Batdance" — you used to like it, but can't remember why.

26. OAKLAND RAIDERS: Even Batman is afraid of watching a game alongside Oakland Raider fans.

27. DETROIT LIONS: In Motor City, this Batmobile has lost a wheel.

28. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Commissioner Gordon has put out an All Points Bulletin for the Ravens offense.

29. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Anyone who can't see this team's flaws is blind as a bat.

30. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: The "George Clooney Batman" of NFC West teams.

31. MIAMI DOLPHINS: Team lit a Batsignal for help after 1-15 season; Bill Parcells showed up.

32. ATLANTA FALCONS: Anyone who sees success for this team is a Joker.