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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, April 8, 2007

More togetherness reduces stress

By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson and Ted Hagen
McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Relieve stress with a day at the beach. Relaxation time with family members at least twice a week is one of the secrets to a magical life.

ADVERTISER LIBRARY PHOTO | 1999

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Remember the good old days when time moved slowly?

Truth is, you were probably a child when time moved this slowly.

Adults managed most of your responsibilities. You could relax, take a break here and there, and smell the roses.

These days, it's likely you keep the whole family scurrying around in a mad rush. And, at work, you might keep employees furiously hopping.

The real kicker in this busyness, however, is that relationships are falling apart. Families report more and more stress. Employees in more work settings report they are overly stressed and stay upset with co-workers.

Until people regain time to think, decompress and solve problems, everybody and everything will suffer.

"My doctor is so stressed, he called in the wrong prescription for me," one woman told us. "I took the stuff, and it nearly killed me. It reacted with my heart medication."

When she confronted her doctor, he told her he'd been busy helping with three charity events. He hadn't slept two hours straight in days.

"I would have sued him," she said, "but he's my good friend and neighbor. I told him that he'd better reclaim some time for himself. Otherwise, he was going to do some real harm."

Her point is well-taken. When anyone gives up enough time, this will cause a ripple effect and people will bear the brunt of the craziness. Sometimes, we can hurt ourselves, too.

Consider the fellow who worked two jobs for five years. He now has cancer, and it looks as if he isn't going to live long.

He stressed himself out for years, trying to get ahead, although he fully knew that stress is considered a catalyst for physical disease.

"I worked to give my family a bigger house," he lamented to us. "Now, they'll have to live there without me. I wish I could undo the last five years of my life. I'd be relaxing at a fishing hole two afternoons each week."

Slack time in everyone's schedules will help to put the balance back into our world.

Think about this "ideal" situation for a working family:

  • Each parent works 30 hours per week. There is no such thing as a 40-hour week, much less a 60-hour workweek.

  • The family spends every weekend together. They go on picnics, attend ballgames and talk together for hours.

  • The family connects with five other families once per week. This group of people function as an ever-present support system. They eat together, talk together and play games together.

  • The family hires help once per month. Instead of cleaning, mowing and doing chores on these days, the family hops in the car for a three-day vacation somewhere.

    This ideal world doesn't exist for most of us. But, imagine how a family could restore its healthy emotions if this were the case. The main ingredient of this balanced system is time.

    When we skimp on having enough "down time," the first thing we do is lose our patience. We snap at others, pick fights and act rather disgustingly.

    Multiply this edginess by four or five people in the family and you've got a perfect recipe for divorce, unhappiness and disaster.

    "My kids will act out the tension my husband and I feel," says a psychologist friend of ours. "If your kids start acting crazy, just direct your attention to the grown-ups in the family. Kids are the perfect barometers for stress that parents are feeling."

    In order to take back some time, try these tips:

  • Make your mental health a top priority. Take two hours for yourself, three times per week, to soak in a tub, listen to music, read, walk and talk to friends.

  • Require relaxation for your family. For example, get everyone to participate in walks, board games or a family meeting just to share ideas at least twice each week.

  • Turn off the phones two nights per week. Don't allow interruptions for a few hours. You'll feel the peace settle over your household.

    Getting back your time will take practice. At first, it's uncomfortable to let go of control and cut off the computer. It will feel weird. You will feel lazy. But you'll also notice how much more clearly you can think.

    You may get very important tasks done in less time.

    Try giving time to yourself for three weeks and watch the magic happen.

    Judi Hopson and Emma Hopson are authors of a stress-management book. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist. Write to them in care of McClatchy-Tribune News Service, 700 12th St. NW, Suite 1000, Washington, D.C. 20005; or www.hopsonglobal.com.